Saturday, 21 February 2009

Decline of Western Civilization: The Chav Years

With the rise of Chavism in the 21st century, one has to wonder what can we do to stem the evergrowing number of hoodies which guard our shopping parades and street corners. Several suggestions have been mooted about by politicians and social commentators as to why this problem has arisen and also what to do about it, from 'Hug-a-Hoody' David Cameron, to “love a lout” on the 'Red' side of Paliament.

What is Chavism?

Chavism - The stereotypical image of a chav is a white aggressive teen or young adult, of 'working class' background, who wears branded sports and casual clothing, who often fights and engages in petty criminality, and is often assumed to be unemployed or in a low paid job.

Causes of Chavism

Single mothers, lack of education, motivation and desire to better oneself and to contribute to a society whom they leech off by way of social security benefits. Also possibly too indulgent in illegal substances and/or alcohol. The alcohol is usually cheap cider in plastic bottles such as 'White Lightning', and funded through petty crime such as stealing car stereos and mugging innocent students as they go about their business.


1) National Service
The army seems to be a good solution, a Chav would have to go into service for 2 years and they then have to learn to work and live with several people and bond as a team. However, Chav's have very good group working skills, especially when working to a single objective, such as stealing a stereo or beating up a father taking his son to the playground. This is not the skill we would like to develop further, in fact we need to somehow make them more solitary - chavs rarely hunt unless in packs of 4 or more.

The obvious benefits are that we could make them work and learn some new skills, however their brains probably have not the capacity to be able to absorb information which does not further their personal ambition of getting high or pissed. Would we really want these chavs to learn how to use guns and arm them, can we imagine chavs returning from a tour of duty knowing how to load and shoot a gun? I doubt it. However one area they would most certainly be of great use is cannon-codder/minesweepers. We should make the Chavs cannon-fodders, walking the battle field towards the enemy, soaking up enemy fire as well as confusing the enemy - good way to save our troops! Otherwise, we should just make them walk minefields to allow safe passage of our troops and vehicles through rough ground...I imagine the MoD would be very happy to save loads of money on not losing weapons and machinery, which would mean more money going into public services.

2) Work Camps - The 'Devil's Island' Theory
Although many people feel this idea of having work camps is a reversion to fascism, it may well be that the only use society could find for chavs is to aid the buiding of civilian structures and boldy go where no chav has gone before - to work...

It seems obvious that we cannot merely ask a chav to go and work, if so they would have done so by now and we wouldn't be in this situation. The solution perhaps is the MI5/CIA style kidnapping of chavs as they sleep, hooded and disorientated they are taken to a secret camp to work on building and manufacturing, for which they will receive a fair days pay for a fair days work...deducting their cost to society (how much Job Seekers Allowance they have claimed). I can imagine they would learn discipline and skills which they would make use of when allowed to return to normal society.

Having a 'Devil's Island' would be beneficial as the chavs would be away from mainstream society and would keep the rest of society who chooses to contribute free to progress. Imagine streets without packs of capped-shaved head hoodies - wonderful! You could reclaim the playgrounds and not find foil, needles and White Lightning bottles, and your kids could be free to play and enjoy like they are meant to. I argue that this is not a fascist or Stalinist solution, there would be every intention of bringing them back into society, after all, they have to come and look after their child(ren) (result of unprotected under-age sex).

3. Root Cause
Once one of the above have been chosen, their must be a complimentary program to stem the growth of future chavs, and kurb the destruction.

Chavs often result from single mothers, and their inexperience and inability to look after their child and teach them how to conduct themselves. So what can we do?

3 a) (P)Re-Schooling
There should be either a mandatory order on the mother to go to a college or school and learn EVERYTHING again and again until they have mastered it and have the child put into care. Once they have been re-educated, they should be allowed to their child. The benefits of this would be that the mother would have the opportunity to better herself, learn some sex education and how to work, and the child would be away from the bad influence of drugs and alcohol, in addition to not hearing shouting and moaning all the time as they drag their multiple children through supermarkets, whilst screaming at them. It would be one less headache going to do the shopping on a Saturday.

3 b) Child Licence
The alternative is a bit more hardcore, involves 'earning' your Child Licence, which would consist of child exams and working in a pubilc organisation earning money to earn your child back. It could be the solution to give a chance to baby and mother...

You tell me!

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